you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
