nut hugger
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You're like the curious george of whores
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
