she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
