Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
