I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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