he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?