So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He felt like a one man threesome
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
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She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt