She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
should my penis look like a turkey
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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