Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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