I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
