I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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