I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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