I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
