You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
