I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
