I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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