why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
