i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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