Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
