He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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