i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
