if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
