miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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