If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She bit a glass in half.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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