life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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