Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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