a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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