I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
