okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
