Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
