Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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