You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
