life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
