I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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