Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
