I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
