Your tits are I can't wait for
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
