We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
