He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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