She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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