i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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