i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
