my phone needs a breathalizer
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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