there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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