I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We smell like vodka and hangover
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