who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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