remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
