You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
