I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
