I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
