I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
