I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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