Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
