I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
