We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
