Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
