i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
