i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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